Mothers and Fathers

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I love you so much, I hate I love you so much, red oak leaves falling
always out of time, predestined impossible, shooting stars at dawn
my shrinking dendrites, remind me to call my shrink, odds are I’ll forget
such a crazy world. our heroes? moving pictures, descended from apes
negotiating life, exquisitely perverse, ask a butterfly

wiped away my tears, choking back words like cotton, holding hands with Mom
crying in the rain, inside the bubble we’d made, beautiful prism
she won at marbles, last night she held her Rockwell, to remind her when
then she was no more, we’d known each other too well, the last time it rained
when you’re almost done, lights are brighter colors glow, mistletoe will know

hiding from the light, death slouches under mean skies, never shows his face
our parents’ childhood is really all about ours, masticated balm
our fantasies of invulnerability, take us by the hand
alone in the world? even thru chaos shine a light, lonely sunflower
sobs will not quiet, coming as they do from God, listen to the sky

so many chapters, but this page, and the next, blank, Dad I’m missing you
sittin on the bench, with you, windy monsoons tease, one small leaf let’s go
Dads we’re drunj agin, Saint John Paul had a mistress, water turned to wine
Mexico with Dad, not his jam but Corona, magic by the surf
don’t talk Korea, with dad, brings it back he says, not his buddies tho

rockin the hammock, memory comin back on line, freight train comin thru
my rear view mirrors with memories splashed like bugs smiling back at me
what is seventeen? even my kids can’t recall, scrambled eggs and toast
of all I have said, the only things i regret, left scars like gravestones
may we consider, beginning with the people, I’ve already hurt?

parents disappoint, it’s the way from our childhood, old age benefits?
made a youthful pact, swore I would not be like them, now I can’t recall
longevity gained thru pious ascetic ways would be quite dreadful?
if I could change it, all of it, everything, would be just the same
do you lose your skills, gradually? all at once? I will let you know

twenty years ago; today races by again; twenty more? I’m dead
soft boiled eggs remind, I miss my grandpa, fishin, wish we could have jammed
black tartan plaid, pleated just so, a jumper, my daughter’s grown now
over the river, to gammie’s house we go, wait, I’m gammie! wake up!
knocking at my door, sense of dread followed by joy, one day I’ll answer

I can imagine, even high above in heaven, hearts are still beating
bird died yesterday, in my garden last she flew, now become a rose
so then we shot god, she was the only one left, is that good enough?
and then you’re nuthin, just hair, bits of bone, spat out, make a nice necklace?
murdered off by life, excruciatingly fast, and so beautiful

when the future comes, be sure get a deposit, fix the busted door

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