Dear Honorable Senator Rand Paul,
Sorry to hear about your accident. Hope you are doing well in your recovery. I heard you took quite a tumble, what 5 ribs? Maybe you have some osteoporosis thing going on too? Exercise man, exercise – it is the great preventative. Have you considered a push mower? It’s a job creator, good for the bones too. For sure.
What happened though? Some of us are wondering. Most of us work Fridays, so we get up early Saturday to cut the lawn; we’re your neighbors of course. But I guess for you every weekend is a 5-day weekend, and Friday is a great day to hitch yourself up top of a little old John Deer lawn tractor and ride around your estate cutting the grass. Gallant and cocksure, just you against the world amidst the smell of sweet Kentucky blue, freshly mowed. There’s a martial charm to it all, like a parade celebrating your own navel, and you’re the only one in attendance. How special. What could be more Americana than that, right? Constituents can wait. Your jam is the therapeutic drone of 360 horses thrilling between your legs for an hour or until you tire, quivering. Good for the prostate I’m sure and maybe it explains that anxious look your wife carries on the weekends? We have been worried, but I am sure she would feel free to ask for help? Good on you though. Cutting your own grass. It’s adorable.
An hour of time to hector and harangue the natural wonders of libertarianism under the peaceful sealed silence of hearing muffs is perfect. What could be more serenely removed from the hassles of getting along with your neighbors? After all, what is a libertarian if he can’t ride roughshod all over his neighbors in his own private tranquility. The glee you seem to take in tossing your trickle-down tousle in the face of neighborliness in general, as you trash the ethos of community and the implicit bonds of society as some kind of perversion. All the while you ascribe to your God the liberation of the common man from the tyranny of community, indeed politeness and basic mutual respect; neighborliness is what we, your neighbors call it. I bet you had your bullet points all set, excited to expound on the puffed-up pretense of principles without conscience, ready to blow this puffery up the skirt of a willing presser eager to pounce on your dismount? Surprise.
The hearing protection is a perfect touch. Seals out the noise so you can do your own thing undeterred by the interference of the outside world. What could be more libertarian than that? Don’t like something, just make it go away, ignore it as though it does not exist. And aggressively assert your right to do so. You know that hearing protection is prescribed for many occupations by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, (OSHA). Yes, I think they beat the AMA to the punch by a generation. You can look it up. But OSHA is not going to tell you what to do. You just like the headphones because they silence your critics so well. You can practice your bullet points in peace; the neighbors can call you at the office.
At least you have good insurance! Be careful with those ribs. You know they protect your vital organs, right? Not exactly a libertarian design as the ribs actually imprison the vitals against their will. I mean who would want to be locked up in a cage? Sorry, that’s an unfortunate analogy. I did not mean to prick your conscience. It violates their right to be free, your vital organs I mean. And those kids? Again, if you don’t like something, just make it go away. Plus, they’re brown anyway. And how convenient is that, to be able to bundle a nanny state for your body along with an indulgence to forgive you for caging all those children? It’s like Neiman Marcus for Nazis! So frustrating we can’t all be free to make our own way, to infringe on the rights of others based on our privilege, to just do our own self-glorious thing. Being self-made must be something you take a lot of pride in. It definitely comes through in your spasms of disdain for anything resembling a safety net. What, you need help? Surprised again.
Which leaves a lingering, rather delicate question. It’s a shock, at least to those you mingle with. How is it that you did not have your guard up? Don’t you even have a wall? The horrors, to be exposed to people. How do you even survive? After all, you do have neighbors, and surely they can never be trusted, right? That’s why you’re in the Senate to protect what is ordained as yours, and your father’s too of course. Lock it up tight so the rest of America does not interfere with your right to befoul. But what kind of libertarian does not keep his guard up? Did you need the assistance of the police, the sheriff, some kind of emergency response? Who pays for these services in Kentucky? Did you really dun your neighbors to pay for your First Responders? What a nanny state we have created. SMDH. And if only you would have had your guard up, you could have met your neighbors’ overtures with an appropriately self-reliant response. You may want to consider surrendering your Libertarian card, before they come pry it out of the pink of your delicate hands. Being beholden to the care of the state is behavior repulsive to the great libertarian Wizard. SMH again and again.
Anyway, take it easy. The ribs take time to heal. Real men will keep working of course, I mean look at the NFL, but I understand your constitution is a thin gruel. You may want to practice kneeling for those times the pain doubles you up. That’s ok. Your curls are still cute, I’m sure someone thinks so, if only you were real. We will miss you on the TV. Maybe you want to adjust your health care position? Slowly, gently, this may hurt a little.
Oh, and maybe you want to think about what it means to have neighbors. I don’t think they like you and your vainglorious principles. Just an observation.
Get well. You’ll be up giving rousing speeches again in no time. Oh, maybe a nice Thanksgiving flower arrangement for the neighbor? And don’t forget a thank you note to Putin for his nice flowers as well. Maybe, from now on try to quit your standing filibuster of the neighborhood meetings too? Promise? It gets old.